I don't care who you are or what you are doing, you are no doubt listening to "This is Our County..." by John Cougar Mellencamp. It's now mandated by the US government that this be in your head at least 40% of your day. If you think of it any less than this you are subject to being labeled as an enemy combatent and subject to indefinate detainment in Cuba. That shit is on every 3rd commercial on TV, half the radio stations in America have fired their DJs and are just playing that song on repeat, and I understand that most of the internet tubes are filled with people sending that song to each other via chain email that says if you don't listen to it at least 5 times and get 5 friends to do the same that a terrorist kills a retarded, African baby that Madonna and Jolie are fighting over to adopt, making it the most recent American patriot to die for its country.

IGNORANT CHEATING ARROGANT PRICK

I’m not sure how many of you saw the Barry Bonds press conference today, but I had the fortune of viewing it. All I can say is, Barry Bonds is the biggest arrogant prick in the sporting world today. Barry was asked a variety of questions, steroids, his knee, baseball in general, and he proceeded to berate any journalist that offered up a question that didn’t have an easy answer. Berate? How? Well how about yelling, “you professionals do your job. All you guys lied. All of y'all and the story or whatever have lied.” at a room full of reporters. Ignorant status reached. Well Barry, I’m sure that some reporters have lied in stories that they have written, but most of the professionals in that room with you work very hard to get the story they are telling correct. But at least we all got to see that when reports say, “Barry Bonds is standoffish and arrogant” we have proof. Now if you want to talk about lies, how about telling a grand jury that you thought you went from your toothpick self to your gigantic self by taking flaxseed oil and arthritis medication. Even if the reports in that room lie most of the time at least their lies aren’t so ignorant and transparent. Cheating status reached.

Secondly, what the hell was that tirade on alcohol and tobacco about? I believe the quote was “I mean, we've got alcohol that's the No. 1 killer in America and we legalize that to buy in the store. You've got, you know, you've got tobacco number two, three killer in America, we legalize that.” Complete idiot status reached. Where do I start with this one? Well I’m not going to dispute your statistics that were obviously checked by your fact-checking team, but I will ask what does that have to do with steroids. It almost sounds like an admission of guilt. You are saying “why can’t I take steroids that do good, when there are these legal substances that do so much harm?” Well Barry, you can’t because the law says you can’t. But you should yell at reporters about this because they are the main force behind the secret government that outlawed steroids.

“Why do you guys never give up your source? Name, name, name, please?!” Ok now you have reached goddamn moron status. You have no idea how this reporting thing works do you?

When asked about how baseball can repair the game of baseball he says, “I think right now baseball just needs to go forward and you guys need to turn the page and let's move forward.” Yeah I agree that’s what we should do, I’m even an advocate of this, let me illustrate with an example. Tonight I got pulled over for doing 70 in a 45. The cop comes over to my window and says “Son do you know how fast you were going.” So I replied, “Yeah pretty fast, but now I’m stopped so let’s just move forward and let me go, that speeding thing is in the past, I’m not speeding now so why don’t you just move forward and get out of my face.” So later as I sit in handcuffs. . . You see my point, Barry? People have cheated, you have cheated, and we want to know how far this cheating has gone, what has been real and what has been an illusion. Ignoring the 400 pound elephant in the room does not mean that the elephant isn’t there, that’s the ostrich way out. If I don’t see it/talk about it, it isn’t really there.

Also when asked how Barry feels about the controversy over steroids and how it has effected him he replied: “the part that I lose sleep over is my family and my family and my kids and what pain -- which I say -- should I blame you guys for it? There's no facts on Barry Bonds, but should I blame you? Who should I blame? Who should I blame for the things that go on that my kids have to listen to, who should I blame?” Well Barry, you should blame yourself. When the people you hang out with actively deal with steroids, and you see nothing wrong with that, that’s on you. When these same people give you a substance you have never seen before that makes you stronger, faster, and healthier, and you ask what it is and they say flaxseed oil, wink wink. That’s on you as well. When you get in a court of law and admit to using steroids, but unknowingly, that’s on you too. If you are so dumb that you have done all this, or you have the ability to lie to yourself this strongly, and your kids ask why the controversy is around you, you say “Sorry daddy hangs out with a bad crowd” or “Daddy is a moron for not knowing what he puts in his body” or “Daddy can lie to himself better than most people.” But make no mistake there is no one else to blame, not a room full of reporters, not the media in general, not racism, not the fans, not your friends that misled you, YOU ACCEPT THE BLAME BARRY.

In closing, Barry, I hope that your knee never heals, I hope you never swing a baseball bat again, I think you are despicable as a person and a cheater as an athlete. I hope that everything you worked so hard for is tarnished by these incidents, I hope your name goes down in history as cheater. I hope everyone remembers you for the ignorant cheating arrogant prick that you are.

In a side note, it is almost my birthday, should you want to get me a present, I would like a San Francisco Giants jersey with the number 25 on the back with the name CHEATER on it. That I would wear forever.

Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn’t hit a curveball? Done.

Current Events (in Scott’s world)

Well the NHL season has been cancelled, and while most of you could care less, I am actually pleased with this turn of events. Let me say that I love hockey, it is my favorite sport to watch live. But this provides the opportunity to make the sport great again. What needs to happen is for some of these teams with no history or have owners that don’t care about winning to just cease to exist. Honestly, can anyone watch a regular season game between the Nashville Predators and the Columbus Blue Jackets without their eyes bleeding? I’m afraid to even try; my body may just prefer to go blind. The only sports that should exist in Nashville are “spittoon bull’s-eye” and “mullet growing.”

Thirty teams! The NHL has thirty teams, that’s ri-donk-culous. So let me say this to the owners of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricanes, Columbus Blue Jackets, Dallas Stars, Florida Panthers, Nashville Predators, Phoenix Coyotes, San Jose Sharks, Tampa Bay Lightning, and Washington Capitals: “Please, dissolve your teams and never come back, you are hurting the league and are the reason that the NHL is a 3rd (possibly 7th) tier sport.” Hockey I love you, and I always will, but you need some major work and not just cosmetic. Done.

If I ever say I want to be a kick boxer, the answer is no, just no.

NASCAR is back and I couldn’t be happier (unless the NHL thing happens). If you don’t understand the sport and think it’s just rednecks making left turns, then I can’t explain it to you. I love racing, all kinds of racing. In an embarrassing story, the other night at about 3am I am watching some snowmobile racing on ESPN 8, the ocho. If that’s not sad in the first place, I was really, really into it and disappointed when my guy finished second. So now that NASCAR is back maybe I won’t find myself in this position again. Who am I kidding I already checked ESPN’s website to see when more snowmobile racing will be shown. Done.

Best nicknames for LeBron James: “L Bron Hubbard” or “LeBron, That’s French for The Bron, James”

Some phrases that I find funny, but cannot take credit for:
When you see a guy that is with a girl that is way out of his league, you should say, “That guy really out-kicked his coverage” or “That guy is out over his skis.”

I almost forgot the greatest news, Justin as the only person that reads this of their own volition I thought that you would be interest too. I have rediscovered Mr. Tony on the radio. While Mr. Tony has been back on the radio since November, I only recently discovered it. Satchmo is doing a local D.C. show, Sports Talk 980 WTEM, but it is available on the internet. You can find the link for the show and some other great TK material at www.thiswebsitestinks.com. The Google-key is a nice touch too. Done.

When did the price of soup get so fucking high?
L Bron Hubbard, that’s still funny. Done.

I have been on vacation from thinking but I shall return within a week.

BASEBALL'S BLACK EYE

I have put this off for awhile now but, I can't not talk about this because it bothers me too much. The recent testimony about steroid use among professional athletes, especially in baseball, is disheartening. It obviously has the impact of calling into question if the records being set today are valid or not. I am personally not a huge stats guy, I love the game because of how it's played and the stories that are involved in the game. I can enjoy a 1 - 0 game between two last place teams if it's played well. I don't just watch the games that are for breaking records, I like to watch them all. But the records are important to the game, some of the records tell really interesting stories. The problem comes when I am required to tell stories about the new records. I accept that fact that I will have to tell stories about the dead ball era, the lowered mound, the reduction in park sizes and all how all of these effected the game. But these are stories about how the game has developed/changed over time and don't involve a negative connotation.

Now I have to tell about how Giambi was a great player that moved to the most powerful team in the league, and how even that wasn't enough for him to be happy. He had to take steroids to get to the level he played at and how he was a disgrace to the game. I also have to explain that the most prolific homerun hitter in the game, is either the worst liar of all time or the most prolific idiot of all time. Bonds either took steroids to gain an advantage to break records or because he didn't know that his body was not suppose to be stronger at 41 than at age 25. The argument can be made that Ruth, Aaron, or Rose used steroids and they just were never discovered. But this is all speculation and has been or will be erased by time and death. What we have here is testimony that the "greatest" player of all time, Bonds, which I would argue in the first place, gained an unfair advantage at the game. How can I possibly tell this to the next generation while trying to sell them on the game. It's too important not to be told and too damaging not to have a negative impact on the game.

What really makes me sad is that this black eye will obscure the stories that should be told about baseball. I don't want to talk about steroids, I want to talk about the other stories. I want to talk about how in the summer of '98 I was glued to the TV watching Sosa and McGuire battle it out for the homerun record. How we would watch to see these two guys perform the greatest one-upsmanship of all time every night on out sets. I want to tell how, when Mark broke the record, he was so overjoyed that he almost missed first base and how this one feat turned a huge baseball icon into a little boy just playing a game. Tell the respect that Sosa and McGuire had for each other and how Mark lifted Sammy up after he crossed home plate. I want to tell how after Aaron hit 715 and he asked how it felt he said, "thank god it's over." And that when he crossed home plate he remembered that he never knew how tight his mother's hug could be. These stories, the ones that bring tears to the eye because of their joy, not their sadness, are the ones that I want to tell. I want the next generation of baseball fans to watch the game with the innocence I did, and not the jaded image that must be portrayed now.

Hey is that a giant laser intended for the use of bringing down a commercial airliner, or are you just happy to see me?

Reading the news is just pissing me off, important points have been highlighted by me:

U.S. warns of terrorist lasers
Pilot group: Increase in laser incidents

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Terrorists may seek to down aircraft by shining powerful lasers into cockpits to blind pilots during landing approaches, U.S. officials warned in a bulletin distributed nationwide. The memo, sent by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department, says there is evidence that terrorists have explored using lasers as weapons. There is no specific intelligence indicating al Qaeda or other groups might use lasers in the United States, they added. "Although lasers are not proven methods of attack like improvised explosive devices and hijackings, terrorist groups overseas have expressed interest in using these devices against human sight," the memo said. "In certain circumstances, if laser weapons adversely affect the eyesight of both pilot and co-pilot during a non-instrument approach, there is a risk of airliner crash," the agencies said. In September a pilot for Delta Air Lines reported an eye injury from a laser beam shone into the cockpit during a landing approach in Salt Lake City, Utah. The incident occurred about 5 miles (9 kilometers) from the airport. The plane landed safely. FBI and other federal officials are investigating. It is not clear if a crime was committed or if the laser was directed into the cockpit by accident. Steve Luckey, a retired airline pilot who is chairman of the Air Line Pilots Association's national security committee, said pilots are concerned about a recent increase in laser incidents, but do not know what to make of them. He said he has learned of two or three cases in the past 90 days. "The most recent incidents appear to be aimed at pilots in the vicinity of airports," Luckey said. "A few seem to be intentional, and we're wondering why and what's going on." Lasers can cause temporary blindness and severely damage the eye by burning the retina. The bulletin notes they are "relatively inexpensive, portable, easy to conceal and readily available on the open market." Lasers are commonly used in a number of industries and are featured in outdoor light shows. A variety of more powerful military-grade lasers are produced around the world, but there is no evidence that terrorist groups have managed to obtain one, according to federal officials. The bulletin was sent late last month to law enforcement officials and key government agencies and industries. A copy was obtained Thursday by The Associated Press.

So you are telling me that planes dropped nuclear bomb on Japan, made it through the light of the blast, but these lasers are what's going to bring the airline industry to its knees. Look, if you have ever seen a plane land you know that the back tires of the plane touch the ground first, meaning that cockpit is pointed at the sky, so pilots aren't looking at the ground to see where they are. The next memo will be about DJ supply stores and their link with al Qaeda: "Terrorists have been buying fog machines, usually used for lame high school dances and raves, to cover up runways, all air travel will be discontinued."

For Christ's sake stop telling us stories of things that are made up, it does no one any good whatsoever to read this story and is producing false fears. I mean I'm not going to not fly due to someone buying some surplus supplies from the local "Laser Floyd" show. I'm also not going to look around for suspicious people with giant lasers in their pants, "Hey is that a giant laser intended for the use of bringing down a commercial airliner, or are you just happy to see me?" But I being the pro-active terror fighting American Patriot that I am, I have a solution to fight all of this laser-terror, I'm going to thwart the terrorist in a way they never imagined possible. This is a tactic that is so genius that I will be know as the greatest anti-commercial-airliner-laser-terrorist-fighter of all time. . .

I'm going to buy a giant mirror.

WOOO! I'm Back From The Dead

Like I said wooo, I'm back from the dead and ready to post again. Let's talk about things that should never come back from the dead. "Hands Across America" is one of those ill-conceived ideas that failed miserably and I hope to god it never comes back. The idea, for those of you who don't remember, was to have people hold hands in a continuous chain from one side of the lower forty-eight to the other. Now some of you may be thinking, "Umm is this some sort of giant game of Red Rover?" And I would respond, "No moron, that would require a second line of people holding hands across the lower forty-eight, and a really big megaphone to yell out the person's name." It was in fact and effort to help the homeless and hungry. If you are trying to comprehend how that helps the homeless and hungry, stop, it will cause blood to shoot out of your eyes after about 10 minutes of hard thinking.

What makes this incredibly stupid event even better was that it didn't happen. There was no uninterrupted line of people from coast to coast, in fact, it only stretched through 16 states. And while this was a great achievement in "Things Humans Are Physically Able To Do, But In No Way Be Considered An achievement" history, it didn't accomplish any goals.

1. Make it across the country from coast to coast? No
2. Feed all the hungry in the USA? No
3. Get homes to the homeless? No
4. Confuse small children about how holding hands make people less hungry and make houses magically appear? Resounding yes!
5. Divert attention away from programs that could do real work like Habitat For Humanity? What the fuck is Habitat for Humanity, all I know is this old mans greasy palm better be feeding some hungry children.

But this meaningless gesture could have worked if we had put the line to work. This time instead of just crazily meandering across the country we make the line on the Canadian border. Then assume that we pay everyone one dollar to hold hands, that way more people show up. Next assume that we tell them there is free beer and cake and chocolate that should attract a lot more people. So after we have all our people holding hands across the country we start walking South. But everytime you see a homeless person or someone that's hungry you trap them in your net of humanity, people with homes and food get through. So we keep working our way South until we hit the Mexican border and we drop all those people off. Now there are no more homeless or hungry left in the country. While this may seem to be cruel or heartless you must admit, it would be a much more effective way of combating the hungry and the homeless than did the original craptacular "Hands Across America."

Well I guess it's time for weird news time:

From espn.com

"'The 30-year-old Pro Bowl player initially pulled over, but police said he sped off, prompting them to chase him about half a block until he stopped again. He then ran away from officers again but they caught up to him after a short chase. According to police, Law told the two officers "not to touch him because he is a professional athlete.'"

So if I understand this correctly, Ty Law, the Pro-Bowl cornerback, was outrun and caught by two police officers. It seems to me someone should contact these guys about a contract. Also, do you think Ty pulls the "professional athlete" card much? "Oh no Ty Law don't eat those dark meat McNuggets, Ty Law demands white meat, Ty Law is a professional athlete." So we learn that cops are faster than athletes. Someone should have told Mike Danton this fact.